Paradoxes [poem]

I wish you could see that I am a living mass of contrary ideas.

Sometimes I say the moon is beautiful while I despise enduring the darkness of the night.

I tell myself to hold on to hope while I know pretty well that it's going to stay this way forever.

I pray a million prayers though I least believe that they'll be answered.

Sometimes I'm in pain, the others, i yearn to feel it , but i turn numb.

Sometimes I hate being sad. The weight's heavy and it hurts pretty bad.

But sometimes I also start romanticizing sadness and wonder , "if not sadness , will I feel at all?".

Sometimes I cry in pain. My heart aches . A hammer in my brain.

But there are also times when i cause my own pain, which tells me that I'm still alive and feeling.

I'm warm at heart, but im also cold sometimes .

My heart is soft, but it turns to stone sometimes .

I keep myself busy so that I forget to be depressed ...

Yes it does the job but it doesn't heal.

I am a northstar guiding the ships home

But somedays I'm the storm , leading them astray.

Sometimes I feel lonely, that I start building my own kingdom , my dreams are mine alone because I built them.

But then there are times I feel too much love , that it turns suffocating.

I dream for good things while I can't accept one. Whenever blessing walks by, my mind hunts for the hidden curse.

Yes I am, a lady of paradoxes.

Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.

' What is ' hurts and so does 'what's not' .