I bought Courage in Commercial Street

Exploring commercial street and my social anxiety.

The car had barely moved an inch and the driver honked a hundred times as if it was going to make any difference. Though already annoyed, the idea of “buying more for less” on Commercial Street was fascinating enough to keep me going. After an eternity, “Ma’am, you have arrived at your destination”. I stepped out of the car, and I froze. “That’s a hell lotta people”. “I’m going back”... But the taxi had already left and I would have to wait ages for the next one. I whispered, “I can do this. It's all gonna be-”, a fat guy stepped on my foot, seemed the least bothered and walked on. 

I slowly walked apologising to everyone I slightly touched. The lights and the noise made my heart thump fast. My body was shaking. I took a deep breath… yuck! All that I inhaled was the smoke from the vehicle exhausts. I plugged in my earphones and played Summertime sadness by Lana in mid-December. As the mild music played, I calmed, though only for a minute, before a bag-seller screamed into my ears, “2 bags for 600 rupees, madam!!”. Though pissed, the offer seemed so attractive that I started scuffling through the bags to choose a couple. After I chose, he said, “total 600 give madam”. While I was damage-checking the pieces, another lady in a gaudy yellow saree, jewelled up, came to buy a couple of bags as well. She quickly picked two, and loudly said, “250 final”. “Heh? ridiculous!”, I thought. He said, “No madam. 600 pinal”, in his heavily accented English. She kept the bags and started walking away. He ran to her and let her buy it for 300 after she bargained stubbornly. Then I felt dumb. I wanted to try. But the shy girl that I was, I didn't have the courage to bargain much. I said, “Baiyya, 500 final”. He said, “No madam. 550 pinal”.  Too shy to bargain further and too kind to not buy, I paid him 550 rupees and continued walking. 

With my social battery licked empty by the crowd, I decided to halt. I sat on the staircase in the entrance of a shop. I was panting, although I had barely walked 150 meters. I was growing more anxious with every minute. I booked a taxi. “I wanna go home”, I whispered. “Your ride arriving in 12 minutes”. Pretty quick!  I waited, with the music still playing. 

At the thought of going back home, my anxiety loosened. The blinding lights suddenly felt warm. Though everyone was still meandering the packed street, somehow, they looked kinder this time. The thought of leaving that place unexplored, saddened me. The posh clothing stores and the cheaper makeshift stands, side by side. The Audis had to wait behind autos which evened the divide. As I observed, things came alive. Ahh… I thought, “Maybe I should explore mo-”, “Your ride has arrived” popped on my screen. I boarded the car, and drove off after a final glance.

That bright-lit, loud chaos was wildly intimidating. It was everything I feared of, yet I know I will return. Though I might have quit halfway, the fact that I booked the taxi only after walking 150 meters, the calmness I brewed amidst discomfort, the 50 rupees I saved with my bargain and the bizarre yet beautiful way that commercial street introduced itself to me, felt like an achievement. My social anxiety is not gone, I might get anxious again, but aren't small steps like these the beginning of a transformation? Maybe not grand, yet my first 150 meters was indeed something. Thanks to Commercial Street for stripping me bare and clothing me with new confidence.